Friday 27 March 2015

Non Fiction Poetry

For no real reason but to acquire knowledge I decided it was time to write a poem that overviewed human history. So far I've just got to the point int he story where Muhammed is born 570AD. Or year 0 in the muslim calendar. But before year zero shitloads of stuff happened. Here's the first instalment.

It took 4.5 billion years of cold calling
 
Mr. Living Cell, I presume
And you be?
Bacteria, looking for a room
No thank-you
Let me explain, I’ll make you an offer
Please be on your way
Wait wait I provide free energy
No bill you will pay
Why didn’t you say?
Come in dear fellow
Sign on the dotted line
We’ll be partners till the end of time
May I ask
What took you so long?
I’ve been 4 billion years alone
I used match.com
But their algorithm said
We wouldn’t get on
Computers
(tuttut)
When will they learn?
Be calm comrade the worm has turned
To invent the Earth
Every living thing
Even God don’t know what we’ll bring
Bottles of wine
Crates of beers
Pretzels for fuel
And we promise
Promiscuous atmospheres
It’s hot it’s humid
No place for humans
Lizards grew big
Brains stayed small
No telescope to see
No missile to fire
The imminent crisis
Arising from spaces desire
As they played catch
Across Continents and sea
A meteor strike
Mexico injured
Crime scene
And almost home now
A few things are missing
Lets begin with the Isthmus
Came out of the sea
Near panama, where the canal be
To block up the passage way between two great seas
Gulf stream shifted
Big deal, we’ll see?
Then there’s India
Making its move
Shiva foresees
A collision between two
Heavyweight boxers
Ready to swing like fools
It’s round 65 million
The fight goes on
Him Vs Laya
Lets get it on
So lizards be gone
Isthmus test passed
Mountains arise

Lets unwrap our prize…
 

Thursday 8 January 2015

The Problem With Ched Evans...

The problem with Ched Evans is this. He isn’t very good at football. He’s alright. Solid squad player. Guilty of rape. Free to seek out employment. One footed. Not a bad leap on him. Has a terrible goal scoring record and has never been good in front of the camera.

If Ched Evans was the kind of player who’d guarantee success then he would have got a job already. Football clubs (businesses) take decisions based on risk and reward and if he could return 30 goals a season or stop 30 going in therefore delivering promotion and all the extra sponsorship that brings then signing him would be a no brainer. But Ched Evans is not that good a football player. He’s no Suarez. He’s Ched Evans. Below par.

Does Ched Evans really want a job that bad? If the answer is yes then he needs to find a business where that risk reward is no longer a risk. Because buying him will bring sponsorship flight like Roubles leaving Moscow. I’d suggest he starts sending his CV to teams in the conference. These clubs may consider Evans a valuable purchase. One who offers more good than bad and in a league where his average leaping ability, uncultured left foot and below par decision making could still make the difference and win promotion.

Or maybe (as he insists he is innocent) he should concentrate on clearing his name and forget about football because if he ever wants to play for glamour clubs like Oldham or Sheffield Utd again he’ll need to issue an apology, no matter what. Even Suarez said sorry and he’s fucking amazing at kicking a ball.


So Ched it's easy…Say sorry and you’ll get a job or refuse to and see how far the rabbit hole you’ll drop, maybe as far as Stains Town FC.